My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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