If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.