i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Two words: blizzard sex
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
