All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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