I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
