Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
