I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
