Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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