i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
