The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
