Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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