mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I made him laugh his dick is mine
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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