1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
