I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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