I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
