If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
