If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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