opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
