There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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