take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
