We won't sleep together?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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