He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
