guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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