I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
