look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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