I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
