Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
