I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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