god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
