You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
