I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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