The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
