and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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