bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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