Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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