Dude my mom stole all your condoms
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
