You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
