who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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