I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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