college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
