I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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