Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
