I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
