I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
