I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
