Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
