fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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