I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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