Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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