Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
