why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
