Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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