her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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