look no pants
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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