After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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