i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
