but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
