Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
