I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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